Feet.

I can't sleep. While I was lying in bed, I kept thinking about my feet.

I have two healthy, functioning feet. Admittedly, they need orthotics and old lady shoes, but they carry my considerable weight and don't cause me too much grief.

I have two perfectly good feet and I don't have heart disease and I don't have diabetes.

In early October, 2000, I was about to turn 15. I came home late one day after going to a friend's house after school. I turned onto my street and saw an ambulance in the distance. I just knew that it was at my house... and I was right. My dad had had a heart attack. Thankfully, my older sister was home and he got help in time. He had quadruple bypass surgery and was in the hospital for about a month. On Christmas Eve, 2002, when I was in grade 12, my dad had to have his left foot amputated due to complications related to his diabetes. A few years later, in 2007, they amputated his right foot.

My dad suffered immeasurably during the last 15 years or so of his life (besides what I've mentioned so far, he had to deal with further surgery on his stump after the first amputation, another heart attack, diabetic retinopathy and eye issues, kidney problems, congestive heart failure, and related complications... all of which meant chronic pain and many, many hospital stays). It felt like as soon as he recovered from one setback, he experienced another one. But my dad never gave up. He maintained his sense of humour. He was always the life of the party. He kept working, as a high school English teacher. And, perhaps most inspiring, he kept exercising.

My dad was an athlete his whole life. He excelled at any sport he tried - hockey, baseball, football, squash. He was a natural. When I was growing up, he would also go for long walks every single night. I went with him only once or twice (I'm sorry to say, walking really wasn't my thing). He also loved riding his bike: there were a few summers where we would go for a bike picnic in Mount Pleasant Cemetery almost every single day.

I can't imagine how it felt for him to lose his feet. And even without his feet, he still exercised. He would lift weights in his wheelchair and use his old rowing machine religiously. When we were at the cottage, he would go out for long trips in the rowboat. He would go for walks, with his prostheses and two canes. And he would swim. Almost every day, he would wheel himself down to the non-wheelchair-accessible pool in our condo building, alone, and use his upper body strength to lift himself from his chair, to a stool, to the steps, into the pool. With no feet.

And sometimes often I'm too lazy to take a 10-minute walk to the gym.

If I don't make a permanent change, I will get diabetes. I will have a heart attack. Of this, I am certain.

Sure, I wish my clothes fit better, but honestly... I've had my fill of hospitals. The thought of open-heart surgery makes me squeamish. So... let's avoid all of that, shall we?

What's new?

Hello there.

So, here I am, fairly settled in my new home, in my new city, in my new job. In the new 10-20 pounds I think I've gained (haven't weighed myself for awhile...).

I have lots of news to share with you! As you may or may not know, I moved to Waterloo at the end of August to start a new job. I really LOVE my job. I have my own office, I like my coworkers, and I have benefits... and I'm still not over the novelty of getting a paycheque every two weeks. I've never had a "real" full-time job - when I worked as a contract college math instructor, there would be long breaks without pay between semesters, and once it took almost a year of me badgering them to be paid for some work I'd done.

The beginning of the Fall semester was extremely busy, and I had to work a lot of overtime. As the semester progressed, though, I got more settled in and things ran more smoothly. Now, I've made it through my first term, and I'm getting ready for January. My second semester should be much better than my first, although I will be coordinating an extra course - and it's a course that I never took. Even though I have a Masters degree in math, I never encountered the material I'll be covering... Anyone out there have experience with Fourier transforms? :D

In other news, my mother has also moved out of Toronto - all the way to Bobcaygeon, Ontario (near Peterborough)! It is an adjustment not having my "home base" in Toronto. My sister is still there, but it's strange not having my parents there. Happily, my mom seems to be thriving in her new home (and I love it, too). It's a bit of a trek for me to get there from Waterloo: I have to take a bus from Kitchener to Toronto, then another bus to Peterborough, and then be picked up and driven to Bobcaygeon. (Now that I'm out of Toronto, I am REALLY feeling the need to get my driver's licence!)

And the most exciting piece of news for me right now is that my family is going away for Christmas! My mother, sister, and I are going to Cancun this Friday. We have been wanting to go on a trip together, and we felt it would be good for us to do something new and different over Christmas. It will be our first Christmas without my father, who passed away last January.

I haven't really travelled outside of Canada (aside from New York) and I am beyond excited. I bought a couple of new bathing suits online that I am actually comfortable in, and I am desperately in need for a week of lounging on the beach and not doing anything.

So, that concludes my life news... I will be back with another post about what's been happening with my exercise and eating habits, and what I am thinking about for the future (I'm a sucker for good set of New Year's Resolutions...)

Eat to Live Days 13-14

I've made it through two weeks of the Eat to Live program! (More or less - sometimes I overdo it on the grains, nuts, salt, and avocado.) Only four more weeks go to.

I feel like I spent my entire weekend grocery shopping, food planning, and cooking. Maybe because I did...

On Saturday, I decided to make good use of my TTC metropass and go to a few health food stores. I started out at Whole Foods, where I had big plans to treat myself to an expensive salad from their salad bar. I was pleased to find that they offer many salads and dressings that are oil-free! Perfect!

I don't even know what all I piled on there! There were lots of greens, some grains, and an oil-free avocado dressing. I only managed to eat half for lunch, and saved the rest for dinner. After my stop at Whole Foods, I headed over to my old neighbourhood in the east end. I went to Strictly Bulk at Pape and Danforth to pick up some pinto beans, raw cashews, raw peanuts, and almond milk. Then, since I was in the area, I wandered over to The Big Carrot.

After going to three different stores, you'd think I would be done with grocery shopping. Not the case! I still needed a tonne of produce, so I went to the regular grocery store Saturday evening. Then it was time to start cooking!

I made black bean burgers for dinner on Saturday, with the plan to bring one to the barbecue I had to attend today. However, they didn't turn out that great (I wasn't really following a recipe).

I was feeling very anxious about going to this barbecue--I felt awkward about bringing my own food, and I wasn't sure how to explain it to people. I even had a dream last night where I ate a hamburger (and subsequently felt guilty about it)!

Today, I started cooking as soon as I woke up. I really wanted to tackle this recipe for taco salad. I cooked pinto beans with lots of spices and I also made my own salsa!!! I was so impressed with myself. Turns out, it's not even difficult!

I piled loads of pinto beans, salsa, and avocado on some romaine lettuce for lunch.

It was delicious!! I also cooked up a big batch of brown rice to eat throughout the week.

But I still had the matter of the family barbecue to deal with. I had emailed my aunt in advance to let her know that I was avoiding fat and oil due to my gallbladder issues, and that I would be bringing my own food to eat. I decided to abandon the mediocre black bean burgers I made last night, and made a burrito using the pinto beans and salsa I had for lunch.

I'm pleased to say the barbecue was a success! No one questioned me eating my own food, and my aunt even had a plain salad ready for me to eat. Also, my bean burrito was so delicious I didn't miss the burgers and hot dogs that everyone else was eating!

I was shocked to realize that I didn't feel deprived--even when everyone else was eating cookies and ice cream for dessert (I had a banana). On a normal day, at this kind of event, I would have been tortured by the cookies and ice cream. I would agonize over the plate of cookies, wondering how many Weight Watchers Points each one was, and if people would think I was eating too much if I took another one (and another one, and another one...). Tonight, I was just able to enjoy the conversation and not think about food at all. I'd already made the decision about what I was eating, and I could actually focus on other things. It was great! So, in sum, I worried for nothing (as usual).

Stay tuned for tomorrow's weigh-in!

Summertime Blues

Hi all. Where have I been all summer? Honestly, I don't know. I kept meaning to post but I never did.

Maybe I've avoided blogging because I haven't had anything particularly uplifting to say. I usually consider myself a very positive, optimistic, happy person, but I haven't felt like that lately.

This summer has been a really transitional time for me in a lot of ways. I feel like I've just been sitting around waiting for change - some of which will definitely happen (like moving to Thunder Bay and starting school next week), and some of which depends on me (eating well and losing weight again).

Another reason I feel like I'm in transition is the fact that I've been living at home temporarily. I had been living on my own for a long time, and adjusting to being in very close quarters with my parents wasn't easy.

To further complicate matters, my dad's health has not been great. I haven't mentioned this on the blog before, but my father is disabled. He is diabetic, and has had to have both of his feet amputated (the first was 9 years ago, the second was 4 years ago). He now also has congestive heart failure after his second heart attack last summer. Needless to say, this has all been very difficult for my family. We've spent more than our fair share of time in hospitals. While I'm exceedingly grateful that my dad has made it through his health difficulties with such courage and strength, and I am inspired by his attitude, it's something that I have a very hard time coping with. Lately, this has been especially difficult for various reasons.

In other news, my boyfriend and I broke up at the end of June. (I promise I'll say something happy soon so this post won't be a total downer!) Obviously that wasn't fun, but as breakups go, it was pretty amicable, so I guess that's something to be happy about... right?

I have one last piece of bad news, and then I'll finish up with some good stuff. Last week, I found out I have gallstones! I have to see a specialist before I know what happens next, but I have a feeling it might be surgery. In the meantime, I hope to somewhat overhaul my diet (and blog about it soon), and at the very least, cut out really fatty, greasy foods.

Somehow, amidst all of this drama, I actually accomplished one of my new year's resolutions! Moping around boyfriendless means a lot of nights spent with Netflix and knitting, so I was actually able to finish a sweater!


Okay, okay, it was a baby sweater (for my cousin's new baby), which wasn't exactly in the spirit of my resolution. But TECHNICALLY, I knit a sweater, so I say it counts! (I've also finished two pairs of mittens, a lace stole I started more than two years ago, a cowl, and one sock! I've been slightly obsessed...)

And finally, most exciting of all, I leave next week for Thunder Bay! I get on a bus in Toronto on Wednesday, and I arrive in Thunder Bay a mere 20 hours later. I cannot express how excited I am at putting that much distance between myself and my current situation. I have never been more in need of a change of scenery and a fresh start.

But before then, I have to figure out how to pack enough stuff for 9 weeks in a sane number of suitcases.


Oh, and mark a huge pile of final exams. I can't wait to be a student again. :)