Feet.

I can't sleep. While I was lying in bed, I kept thinking about my feet.

I have two healthy, functioning feet. Admittedly, they need orthotics and old lady shoes, but they carry my considerable weight and don't cause me too much grief.

I have two perfectly good feet and I don't have heart disease and I don't have diabetes.

In early October, 2000, I was about to turn 15. I came home late one day after going to a friend's house after school. I turned onto my street and saw an ambulance in the distance. I just knew that it was at my house... and I was right. My dad had had a heart attack. Thankfully, my older sister was home and he got help in time. He had quadruple bypass surgery and was in the hospital for about a month. On Christmas Eve, 2002, when I was in grade 12, my dad had to have his left foot amputated due to complications related to his diabetes. A few years later, in 2007, they amputated his right foot.

My dad suffered immeasurably during the last 15 years or so of his life (besides what I've mentioned so far, he had to deal with further surgery on his stump after the first amputation, another heart attack, diabetic retinopathy and eye issues, kidney problems, congestive heart failure, and related complications... all of which meant chronic pain and many, many hospital stays). It felt like as soon as he recovered from one setback, he experienced another one. But my dad never gave up. He maintained his sense of humour. He was always the life of the party. He kept working, as a high school English teacher. And, perhaps most inspiring, he kept exercising.

My dad was an athlete his whole life. He excelled at any sport he tried - hockey, baseball, football, squash. He was a natural. When I was growing up, he would also go for long walks every single night. I went with him only once or twice (I'm sorry to say, walking really wasn't my thing). He also loved riding his bike: there were a few summers where we would go for a bike picnic in Mount Pleasant Cemetery almost every single day.

I can't imagine how it felt for him to lose his feet. And even without his feet, he still exercised. He would lift weights in his wheelchair and use his old rowing machine religiously. When we were at the cottage, he would go out for long trips in the rowboat. He would go for walks, with his prostheses and two canes. And he would swim. Almost every day, he would wheel himself down to the non-wheelchair-accessible pool in our condo building, alone, and use his upper body strength to lift himself from his chair, to a stool, to the steps, into the pool. With no feet.

And sometimes often I'm too lazy to take a 10-minute walk to the gym.

If I don't make a permanent change, I will get diabetes. I will have a heart attack. Of this, I am certain.

Sure, I wish my clothes fit better, but honestly... I've had my fill of hospitals. The thought of open-heart surgery makes me squeamish. So... let's avoid all of that, shall we?

New Friends & Old Problems.

Hey folks!

On Friday night, I had the honour of attending a clothing swap with some of my fellow GTA bloggers! I definitely cleaned up. I ended up bringing home two full bags of clothes. Apparently I was just the right size to benefit from everyone's cast-offs! Maybe it's a good thing I've been so spotty with tracking lately, hehe...

I'll try to get some pics of the new clothes soon. Some highlights include:

• a lululemon hoodie
• a pair of size 12 jeans (I think they were Andrea's?) that I grabbed for future use. Um, turns out, they fit right now!
• many summer skirts!

Thanks for inviting me, guys! I had a great time!

As for the old problems - I have NOT been motivated lately. On the bright side, I haven't been necessarily driven to eat tons of crap. I'm just not motivated to eat particularly well, either. I don't feel like cooking, I don't feel like chopping vegetables, and I don't feel like going grocery shopping. I have to snap out of it! Maybe I need to take small steps, like forcing myself to make a green smoothie every morning, and then build from there. Any suggestions?

I also must confess that I have not been working out lately. That changes TODAY. I'm off to take a long walk (I know it's not the most intense workout possible, but it's what I'm in the mood for).

Have a great night! :)

Old Fears & New Strengths

Have any of you ever played Mario Kart on Nintendo 64? That game has the option of racing yourself: after you drive a course once, you can drive it again, and race against your former performance. At some point, a ghostly version of you (I was always Toad, if possible) breaks away and repeats exactly what you did last time so you have a visual aid while trying to beat yourself.

Last night in Booty Camp, when we reached the point where we were repeating an exercise for far too long and I wanted to stop (I can't remember exactly which move it was, but it's safe to say it was probably a squat), I imagined that I was competing against my former self. I imagined a ghostly Katie (maybe Katie at the beginning of Booty Camp) who was a little less strong than I am now. Maybe she doesn't go as deep into the squat, or maybe she gives up a little sooner. I willed myself to hold the move a little bit longer than her.

Visualizing how much stronger I have become in this way was a great help to me! It inspired me to keep going, even when I didn't want to, and push harder. Rather than compare myself to other people (which can be discouraging!), I have to remember how far I've come.

When I think back further, say, to a former Katie who would have been too afraid to even TAKE a Booty Camp class, I feel even prouder.

I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that I used to be afraid all the time. I was afraid to try new things. I was afraid to go shopping for clothes with friends because nothing would fit me. I was afraid to go swimming because everyone would see me in a bathing suit. I was afraid to go to an amusement park in case I didn't fit on a ride (which never actually happened, but sometimes it was a tight squeeze). I was afraid to go to the doctor and find out that I had diabetes or heart disease or something along those lines. I was afraid to eat too much in public. I was afraid to eat too little in public (people might think I was dieting, and then deduce that I was fat... from that). I was afraid to ask for help.

The list could go on and on. I don't have those feelings of fear anymore (for the most part). I no longer put so much value on what others think - and I've realized that people aren't actually thinking that much about how I look or what I'm doing/eating/wearing. My self-confidence is MUCH higher than it used to be (sometimes I'm downright vain!).

On a somewhat related note, I was brave enough to join the gym this week! This morning I tried my very first Zumba class. It was something different, which I think my body liked, and it was fun! Not very intense, but I've got enough intensity in my routine already.

I'm off to find some dinner and get to bed! I have an early day tomorrow. :)

Has getting healthier helped you shed any old fears? Did my Mario Kart analogy make any sense at all?!

What else is new?

I'm feeling like myself again, and I couldn't be happier about it. Whenever I have bad days, I have to have faith that everything will click back into place again.

But is it enough to just be feeling good now? Chezjulie made a very helpful comment after I posted about my poor habits of late:

So what was different this past week? Did you plan? Did you have some special events crop up? Did you stop tracking? Were you stressed?

There's got to be reasons why one week is so different from the next. Or do you think you're just getting bored with making the effort (honeymoon period's over?) or scared of getting to goal?

I definitely need to ask myself why I go so far off-track. I don't see a problem with having the occasional day where I go over points or skip a workout. But my recent trend of big gains followed by big losses just shows how erratic my eating has been (note: I'm never UNDER-eating, just over-eating like crazy, then eating healthfully).

I came up with some possible reasons that I have been self-sabotaging (many of chezjulie's points are right on the mark!):

• Afraid to lose more weight/get to goal. I've been in the same weight range (between 190-200 pounds--right now I'm in the mid to high 180's) for almost a year. I'm comfortable where I am, people keep complimenting me on how great I look, and I've accumulated some new clothes that fit me well. Maybe, deep down, I'm afraid of more change?

• Not always getting enough sleep. When I am tired, I get cranky and emotional. The littlest thing can have me in tears. In this state, I'm liable to eat anything and everything instead of just GOING TO BED. I have to wake up around 5:30 or 5:45 a.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays for work, which is really tough--especially because I don't wake up that early every morning, so my body is not used to it.

• Lack of routine. Last week, I was off from work, and I had friends visit over the weekend (one friend stayed all weekend). Obviously, it was wonderful seeing my friends, but it threw my usual routine out of whack. Now, the friend who stayed with me knows I am on Weight Watchers, and is extremely supportive. She always suggested we cook instead of going out, and even took the Points quiz for herself and half-considered tracking along with me (she is AWESOME). Of course, because I was so hellbent on self-sabotaging, I insisted on going out for meals/ordering pizza/not exercising way too often throughout the weekend.

• Giving myself permission to overeat for any reason I could think of. As you can see, when my friend was visiting, I had even MORE incentive to eat well. She did not pressure me to eat badly at all. But because I had a friend visiting and I put myself in FUN CELEBRATION MODE, I gave myself permission to go off-plan. And I did. And once I go off-plan, I always know I will be back on plan soon. This is good and bad: while I am "allowed" to, I eat as much junk as I can because I won't be able to eat it again soon. It's like a switch in my brain is flipped. Somehow I have to train myself to just do everything moderately all the time, instead of having these two extremes.

• Not enough me-time. I need to have some time to myself to regroup, look through recipe books, make grocery lists, and things like that. Despite being off of work last week, I did not have much time to myself. Sometimes, when I'm stressed out and have not planned any non-food treats or me-time, I get through the day by thinking of what delicious thing I can eat next. It goes something like this: I'm not having a very good day. I need something to look forward to. Hmmm, what can I eat? Then I think of all the delicious possibilities (that are not even really that delicious, to be honest) and cram as many of them in as possible. If my day is full of enough things that I enjoy (or healthy delicious food to look forward to), I won't fall into this trap.

These are all definitely things that I can work on. I know I also have some more soul-searching to do (and I will).

So, enough of the analysis! What have I been up to these past few days? How did I get back on plan? (I know you're all DYING to find out...)

Well, while my friend was visiting, we got haircuts!

Before (Ugh!):

After (Hott!):

Aside from the haircut, I also got some me-time in the form of shopping therapy. I picked up a couple of new books I've been hankering for: Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think by Brian Wansink, and Eat, Shrink & Be Merry! by Janet & Greta Podleski:

Last night, I got some healthy groceries to get me through the rest of this week:

Since Wednesday morning (when I got back on track), I have been focusing on filling foods and drinking water like it's going out of style (I'm trying my best to salvage Saturday morning's weigh-in)!

Today I actually got my butt out the door for a run! I realized it was March Break and that the outdoor track at a high school near my house would be free of teenagers.

But when I got to the track, there was a man there... not running (which I could have dealt with)... but golfing! I had no desire to be struck by a golf ball, so I moved on to jog on the street. I tried a new route than usual, and found another high school with a track a few blocks away! It first appeared to be impenetrable, but I found an entrance off a parking lot. Success!

After running for 30 minutes, I walked home... and did 20 minutes of strength training! Wahoo!

Sweaty & disheveled, but still damn cute!

Now I'm drinking a green smoothie and basking in that self-righteous "I just exercised" feeling.

Aaaaaaah, it feels good to be back! :)

Weigh-In

Let's not talk about the fact that I gained 4.2 pounds at my weigh-in on Saturday, after going over my points (or not tracking at all) on most days last week.

Let's not talk about the greek food, the baklava, the pizza, the chicken strip-things, and the buttery popcorn I ate on Saturday, or that I was really sick to my stomach at around 4 am on Sunday (I really can't put it away like I used to!).

Let's not talk about the entire container of Ben and Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream that I just ate in one sitting (or the huge veal and pancetta burger and fries I had for lunch today).

Let's not talk about how nervous I am about weighing in this coming Saturday and being up again, or the fact that I have not been consistent for months now, or how scared I am that I won't get my groove back.

Let's talk about how I will try again tomorrow. Because I have no other choice.

(Worst) Weigh-In (in the history of Weight Watchers)

Despite what the title of this post may lead you to believe, today was a very good day.

Let's start from the beginning.

I had my Weight Watchers meeting today. I knew that I would be up. My eating has been very out-of-control lately. I stepped on the scale this morning, wondering what the damage would be. Last week, I weighed in at 187.8. This morning, as usual, I read upside-down while the receptionist recorded my weight. He wrote a 1... then a 9... Oh dear, I thought. Back in the 190's. Then the next digit was...

A seven.

Yes. I gained 9.2 lbs this week. That's over 10 lbs in 2 weeks.

I am almost back in the 200's.

Thankfully, the receptionist didn't make any comments (although I wonder what he might have been thinking!). I slowly walked over to my seat for the meeting, in a bit of a daze.

Ashley, my wonderful leader, came and sat next to me and asked how it was going. I am so grateful she did! I admitted that I was struggling, and we had an amazing talk. It was so good to be honest with someone about how I've been feeling, and how much I've been eating. She gave me some excellent advice, and after the chat (still before the meeting even started!), I was feeling much better.

Then we had one of the BEST MEETINGS EVER! A couple of members got their 10%'s, and one member reached his goal! This man, Dave, is an amazing inspiration at my meeting. He has lost a crazy amount of weight (I think around 140 pounds), and he always has something wise to say. When he raised his hand and told us he got to goal, I think everyone at the meeting (myself included) got a tear (or several) in their eye.

The meeting also included a lot of laughs, especially when one woman (who got her 10% today!) told us that her husband works in "chocolate development" (she got a whole string of Bravo! stickers).

I left the meeting feeling, as usual, motivated and excited for an on-plan week. I love my Weight Watchers meeting.

I came home to quickly tidy up for the open house my landlord is having today and get ready to go to a family function I had. There was a lot of food at this function, but I think I definitely exercised some willpower (to be honest, I wasn't even very hungry). I tracked everything as accurately as I could.

At the event, I saw a lot of family members that I hadn't seen in a couple of years (or more)... I got quite a few comments on how amazing/different I looked. A couple of cousins asked what my secret was, and I told them how I'd been following Weight Watchers. It was a nice boost to be reminded of how far I've come!

I came home around 4:30 and got down to business:

The stage was set for some serious me-time. I bought the new issue of Best Health (my fave) a couple of days ago, and I pulled out some of my Weight Watchers booklets and cookbooks to get my motivation in gear. I had just started reading the Week 4 book (Habits of Successful Members), when I decided to get a workout out of the way RIGHT THEN AND THERE. I cleared my furniture out of the way...

... and popped in the Booty Camp Fitness DVD to do the Beginner Workout!

It was TOUGH (but less tough than when I did this workout a few weeks ago! Yay progress!).

Afterwards I gave the Liberte Greek Yogourt another shot. With an orange and some frozen berries:

Delicious! It's a winner! :)

I didn't get the meal planning done tonight like I'd wanted to (I'm totally exhausted) (Edit @ 11:15 p.m. - I got a second wind after writing this post & planned them!), but I have a full day tomorrow to plan my meals, buy some groceries, maybe go for a swim, and do some pre-cooking for the week!

Even though I've been floundering for a few weeks, never once have I seriously thought about giving up. It simply isn't an option. When I started going to Weight Watchers meetings in November, I made a commitment to myself that I am not going to break.

Today, while I was talking to Ashley, she asked me if I was being kind to myself. It was funny, because in some ways I'd been thinking that I've been being TOO kind to myself--i.e., thinking things like "oh, it's okay if you reward yourself with some cereal, you're doing so well!" When I described this to her, Ashley reminded me that being kind to yourself isn't the same as being a pushover!

That really resonated with me. And really, the way I've been treating myself isn't kind. Sometimes, what we really need is some tough love. We have to say no. Eating too much isn't rewarding myself, it's punishing myself, even if it feels good at the time (which it doesn't even, to be honest).

How is your weekend going?

New Clothes!

So I went shopping today for some new clothes, and I bought a new blouse that I think is pretty flattering... and now I can barely drag myself away from the mirror long enough to write this.

Can you blame me? (excuse the dorky pose, hair, and anything else objectionable in this picture...)

I even look hot all blurry (this is possibly an improvement, actually):

These photos really don't do me justice, haha. I have not mastered the "self-portrait" thing AT ALL.

Now I need somewhere to wear this (preferably somewhere with seating, as I can't really walk in heels)...

I tried on this style of blouse once before, but the largest size (at a different store) was a bit too tight and I looked like a sausage... an attractive sausage, to be sure, but still not the look I was going for.

At Reitmans, I was a size 13 in pants (yay!)... and you'll never guess what size tops I managed to squeeze into (yes, I squeezed)...

At first, I expected (and hoped) to fit into a 13. I also tried on an 11 in a fit of optimism. The 11 was a bit loose... so then I had the audacity to try a 9!!!

A 9!! That's ONE digit, folks!

I'm so used to not even going IN stores that sell "normal" sizes (and, admittedly, Reitmans is a store that always carried my size). When shopping with my friends, I always felt very uncomfortable and out of place. I would worry that they would want me to try things on, and I would have to admit that nothing would fit me.

If anything, I would expect to MAYBE fit into the LARGEST size at certain stores (like the occasional XXL at Old Navy). To be able to buy something that isn't in the largest size is such a weird (and wonderful) feeling!

I also bought this sweater 'cause I really liked the neckline (I'm very tired and haggard-looking today and I also need a haircut, fyi):

My newfound hotness has really inspired me to kick some ass at Booty Camp tonight! My motivation has REALLY been lagging lately, and I haven't been tracking everything, or caring really if I went over my points... from now on, when I need a shot of motivation, I'll just put on some of my hot new clothes!

Weigh-In & CRAZY MOTIVATION

Today (I guess it was yesterday, actually--I'm up late!) I was down 0.8 lbs. I'll take it! I had a pretty spotty week, to be honest, and I was nervous that I would gain again (last week I gained 2.6). I'm actually higher right now than I was on Christmas Eve, which is disappointing... maybe two weeks ago, when I lost all the weight I gained over the holidays, I hadn't really lost it?? Maybe that weigh-in was a fluke, and it's just (slowly) coming off now??

Since I HAVE been very spotty lately following the plan, and since I now have this blog holding me EXTRA-accountable, I decided I needed some new motivation:

The 2010 basic member kit! I'm already totally in love with the Canadian Dining Out Companion. Some of its contents are quite horrifying. For example, some of the large blizzards at Dairy Queen (which I have definitely eaten before) are over 30 points each (to put that in context, I am allotted 26 points for the entire DAY). Yikes! We also got free samples of the Weight Watchers vanilla smoothie mix. I'm excited to try it!

I'm really spurred on & motivated to have an AWESOME week with lots of activity. Also, at our meeting today, we were very lucky to have a special guest: a leader-in-training who has lost 140 pounds! Before the meeting (and before I knew her story), she struck up a conversation with me and gave me some much-needed encouragement. Then she shared her success story with all of us--very inspiring stuff!

To kick off my SUPER ON-TRACK WEEK, I made a veggie-packed pizza. Under that mozzarella cheese is a thick layer of greens: some kale, green pepper, and broccoli (as well as onions and garlic). It was delish! I calculated that 1/4 of the pizza was 3 points (and that is a BIG dinner plate that it's sitting on).

My motivation continued tonight at my sister's birthday party (post to follow).

Also coming soon: a bit of my weight-loss history, including some before & after (during? I'm not done yet!) photos.

Hope you're all having the loveliest of weekends!!!